Rantings and Ramblings

Let's start with the positive. I have a lot to be thankful for. I completed my first year of teaching, and I am officially a certified teacher in Texas. I got accepted to grad school in the fall. I'll be doing UHV's online MS in Publishing. Somewhat of a dream come true. Also, my parents have decided to move very close to me and be my support for a little while. These are all great things, and I'm very happy about them.
Nonetheless, my overwhelming negativity helps me find things to feel sad about, and that's what I dwell on.
I have determined that my greatest character flaw (if I have to choose just one) is envy. I look at the lives of others, and I want what they have. I want to have their fun. I want to have their money. I want to have their awesome jobs. I want to have their happiness. Of course this is very flawed. Their lives are not mine and never will be. I have what I have, and it is up to me to make it something enviable. So hard to actually do! I feel defeated so easily. I feel overwhelmed so easily. One thing may be going right, but I can come up with 10 more that are going wrong.

As I said, I'm set to start grad school this fall, but I don't know what I'm doing. It's online, so I have to be very disciplined. I'm not good at self-motivation. In fact, I find it difficult to get out of bed at least 50% of the time. I also have to figure out how to financially support myself while I'm taking classes. It's probably not that difficult for a lot of people, but I get overwhelmed so easily. I can't imagine juggling school and a full-time job. Do I try teaching? Do I get a regular 9-5? Do I try to find something more part-time? I feel like I've become too set in life to go back to being a student. I need to simplify my life. I've accumulated so many expenses, but I don't even know how to begin cutting back. I want things. I'm materialistic. Buying movies and records and comics makes me happy. Is that wrong of me? I know I should find happiness in friends and family, but sometimes I feel like I don't have any real friends, except a choice few. I'm lonely most of the time. I feel isolated. It's probably self-inflicted, but it's a real feeling nonetheless.

I'm drowning. I'm drowning in my doubts. I'm drowning in my things. I want to simplify my life, but I don't know how. Even simplifying costs money. A lot of the process is getting rid of things. I know I have too much clothing, too many papers, too many knickknacks, too much stuff. I hold on to anything with a sentimental value, but I can't keep my entire life's experiences. I fear regretting letting go of the wrong thing though. How much of my life is motivated by fear?! Every time a new opportunity comes along, I get scared and mess it up before starts so I won't want to deal with what I assume to be impending failure. That's a side note. On top of cleaning out my stuff, I also need to get more functional things. I don't have money. I don't have an income after July. I feel trapped. First world problems, right?

I think I'm going to have to write another post. This one is too erratic.