For those of you who don't know, I am bipolar with "generalized anxiety." Basically I get horribly, devastatingly depressed or completely high on life. But an overcrowded grocery store or the possibility of an awkward social interaction will set me off into a paralyzing panic attack that usually leads back into depression.
It's an exhausting cycle. It probably wears on my friends more than it does on me. To those on the outside it seems like I'm being dramatic or "pessimistic." No. It is the end of the world as far as I'm considered, and no, I can't just stop crying, get dressed, and get my mind off of everything. I do try though. I see no hope in the future. I see no prospects. There is a reason why nothing good will never happen in my life, and you can't convince me otherwise.
I'm in an impossibly situation at work. I teach 7th grade English Language Arts to ESL and ELL (English Language Learners) students at a Title 1 (very low income) school that is very poorly run. My students have not been raised. Their parents are hardly parents--many because they are so busy working to provide a life for their kids that they can't be there to parent, while others just suck at parenting. These kids have been failed their entire academic careers--and by that I mean that they have been moved along from one grade to the next without ever being held accountable for learning anything. My 7th graders are around 3rd - 5th grade reading and writing levels. It's very sad. Even though they came into my class far below grade level, I'm expected to work miracles and bring them up to grade level in just a few months. Not going to happen, but I'm the one who is penalized, even if they do make progress because it will never be enough to make the administration look good. On top of the academic problems, the entire school suffers from horrendous discipline issues. Students are violent, sexually inappropriate, absolutely disrespectful, and destructive. Needless to say, they is an extremely stressful and emotionally draining work environment. [And to add to the stress, whether or not I get my full teaching certificate lies in the hands of a principal who has shown that she doesn't actually like teachers, especially me.]
I am tired ALL THE TIME, whether it be emotionally or physically. I have no social energy outside of work. Therefore, I don't go out much. I feel isolated, but if I were to go out, I would be such a "downer." People don't want to hear about my problems. My problems don't change. They're boring. However, I am getting better at leaving those problems at work and pretending that none of it exists when I'm at home. It's really hard to not think about it though when people ask how you're doing. Should I be honest? I look like death, so saying "fine" probably wouldn't be believable.
My eating habits are terrible too. It's hard enough for me to go to the grocery store on a good day. It's so much worse on a bad day. And then to have to cook? You're kidding, right? I have neither the energy nor the self-worth to want to cook for myself. Fast food it is!
You can probably guess that I've gained quite a bit of weight over the school year. And of course the weight gain is DEPRESSING! I hate the way I look. Not that I'm obese or hideous, but I'm not what I want. I'm not asking to have a model body, but I would like to be back where I was a year ago. I looked damn good. I was almost happy too.
So what does this all mean?
- Work is terribly stressful
- I'm tired all the time
- I eat poorly
- I don't exercise
- I don't see people
- I'm "fat" (by my own standards)
- I'm tired of feeling miserable
- Job satisfaction
- Writing/editing/publishing of some sort
- Working from home or in a very low-stress office
- Making a decent wage with benefits
- Health
- Back in shape and at my "fighting weight" if you will
- Eating well (this definitely affects my mental wellness)
- Energy
- Socializing
- Going out from time to time with friends
- Maybe even meet new people
- Go to shows (I miss out on so many because I'm too depressed to go out)
- Network
- Spiritual wellness
- Becoming Orthodox (yes, that's something I'm pursuing, and yes it is intimidating)
- Understanding that I am not in control of my present, past, or future, and I have to be OK with it
- Mental wellness
- Not feel miserable
- Not drown in pessimism
- Get back to a place where I can function in society and see a future
As far as work goes, I am where I am right now. That isn't going to change, but there is an end in sight. My goal is simply to do my best at work and forget about it when I'm home. In the mean time I'll be applying for teaching jobs elsewhere and work on my writing/editing portfolio for a future career change. I'm hoping that I can land some freelance work here and there until it can become something consistent and real.
Health is habit. It takes 21 days to develop a habit. So for the next 21 days I'm going to make habitual health my priority: prep foods the day before, exercise at least once a day, sleep enough, and generally take care of myself. Hopefully after 21 days, I won't have to make such a concerted effort and it will have become a normal part of my routine.
These two things should lead to better mental wellness and the ability to socialize again. Baby steps though. No need to jump into the deep end. I am going to make plans with one person at a time and go from there.
Today is Day One. I've been eating well, prepping food for the week, exercised, have plans to see a friend, and I'm writing for the sake of writing. Let's see where this all leads. Maybe nowhere. Maybe it will help me truly break through this very real but invisible wall that has always been just ahead of me as I try to progress in any way.
No comments:
Post a Comment