If I can't choose to get out of bed, how am I supposed to choose my future?

At the airport today I picked up the Hyperbole and a Half book. When I read about her depression and anxiety, it hits a little too close to home. I don't know if I'm losing control of my bipolar or what. I feel like I'm rapid cycling lately. My ups and downs are too close together. I'm either excited or  really sad. There isn't much in between, and it can change literally from moment to moment. The smallest things set me off. I want to cry at any moment. 

I recently visited my brother's family in Washington, and it was great. I loved spending time with my niece and nephew. They made me feel like I matter. I want to be close to them. But I also love Texas. There's so much I would have to leave behind to be with them. I feel trapped. I'm starting a graduate program here in Texas, and while it seems to be a dream come true, I also feel like I'm wasting time and money. I'm not going to be a publisher. I want to go to school for other things, and those things are in Washington. I don't think I'll be happy no matter what I choose. 

That drowning feeling. That trapped feeling. I can barely function well enough to clean my apartment. How am I supposed to function as an "adult"? 

Sometimes I get so bitter that I'm bipolar. Why did God make me broken? What purpose could it possibly serve? All I do is stress out the people who try to care about me. I'm a burden. I think about dying all the time. I don't want to kill myself. That seems to selfish, but I wish I could just die. I wish my life would simply end and let me fade away. I can't deal with simple decisions. I definitely can't make big life decisions. Do I even have a life that matters enough to continue? I wish I could just allow myself to be happy, but sadness, nothingness, depression are too strong. I don't know. I really don't.