The reality of public education: an introduction. & Fernweh: I need to get out of here.

As many of you know, I'm going through a prolonged bout of depression right now. There are several factors involved, but a lot of it is probably just that I'm due for a chemical lull.

Work is wearing on me. I teach 7th graders, 7th graders who bursting with apathy, 7th graders who have never learned to respect anyone including themselves, 7th graders who have been forgotten by the educational system and seen only as their failing STAAR scores. We must improve their scores! We must get them passing! Well, here's the problem with that:
I can't teach someone who refuses to learn. I can't teach someone is already planning on dropping out of school when he or she turns 16. I can't teach someone who thinks that one can live off a minimum wage salary and whose highest goal is working in fast food. I can't teach someone who wants to be a lawyer, but can't spell "lawyer" and doesn't understand the correlation between the ability to be successful in higher learning and being successful in elementary secondary education.
We have so many programs, initiatives, incentives, policies, etc., etc. And yet, we fail to make the essential accommodations that would absolutely revolutionize these children's learning experiences. Instead of having so many interventionists who only get those who are already too far behind to catch up, we should be hiring full time teachers who can teach an entire class. I should not be teaching 30 students at once by myself--30 failing students. I should be teaching 15 students, so that I can dedicate time to each and every one of them. I shouldn't have to keep the child in my room is being disruptive and even hostile toward me or other students because it makes the administration look good. That student needs to leave. That student needs to be in counseling and alternative schooling. That student is selfishly taking away the time and opportunity of those students who not only have a chance but also want one.
I can't reward my students when they step up and do well because to them it isn't a reward. Their sense of entitlement is so out of control, that even those who do no work and outward proclaim their apathy, feel like the reward is what they should be getting on a daily basis just because. It's not a reward when we're giving them what they expect to receive without them having to put in any effort.
I can't teach students who do not understand consequences, or cause and effect in general.
I can't teach students who have no love or stability in their homes and act out in my classroom to get the negative attention they think they crave when I have a dozen of them doing it at the same time. 
District, stop wasting your money and my time on sending me to trainings that can't logistically be implemented in my classroom. Put that money toward the salary of another teacher who can take half my students, so we can give them all the attention they crave and actually need.

I enjoy my Fridays because I spend Friday night unwinding, relaxing, sleeping, maybe even doing something with friends. I try to enjoy Saturday, but by Saturday night I'm starting to think about Sunday. I think about Sunday because when I wake up Sunday morning, I am already filled with anxious dread. I am filled with anxious dread because in less than 24 hours I will be standing in my classroom, staring into the blank faces of my students, not knowing what to do as I'm being used as an emotional punching bag.
Live in the moment, take each day one at a time. No. The reality that this is my life for nine months is overwhelming. The reality that no matter how low I am, no matter how emotionally drained I am, I have to wake up and invest what I don't even have in myself in 120 children.
Don't think about it. Stop worrying so much. No. I can't allow myself to fail, but I have yet to find even a glimmer of a possibility of success.

I started seeing a therapist. She's great. I like her a lot. I felt more hopeful after one session. But then Sunday came again, and I lost that hope. She can't change my job. She can't give me other opportunities. She can't make anyone else care. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy. It never has been. I have paid more dues in my short life thus far than many people pay in their entire lifetimes.
I have the gift of a loving family, but they're so far away. If I could just see my brothers or my sisters-in-law or my niece or my nephews or my parents, maybe I could relax. Maybe I could feel their support. But we can't see each other. They live their daily lives, and I am not a part of them. They have their own struggles anyway, and it would be unfair to burden them with mine.

I have nothing to hold on to. I have a dream of going to Sweden/Norway this coming summer. I keep reminding myself that I have to keep this job to pay for that trip. I have to trudge through every day so I can get away. My wanderlust is the only thing driving me, but I don't know if it's enough. I don't know if it's tangible enough. I dream about having an adventure in another part of the world, but even then, I know I'll be doing it alone. Even then, I don't have any proof that it can or will happen. When I think about it, I don't go anywhere. I end up back in my bed, curled up in misery.